Process addiction - addicted to the process

Co-dependence is a pretty horrible affliction if you ask me.  Created out of fear and longing and poor modeling from a culture of humans who don't know how to love themselves.  So many defensive dynamics its hard to keep track of them.  And so I didn't...keep track, that is.  After a couple of years of intensely looking at this part of my functionality as Tricia in the world, and even as a teacher to my clients about how all this shows up, somehow I lost touch with the ways it had begun to create separation in my life again.

This little project of mine is helping to illuminate it, and the remembering, although frustrating and painful (still this?!!!), is the only way I can find my way back to my true self.  Well, that and actually doing something about it, which is the harder part.

Take this morning for example.  I was upset with Eric for a couple of reasons.  In the three hours I had to think about my feelings before he woke up, I kept trying to inject some of this self love stuff, but found some part of me just wanting to cling to (and thereby exacerbate) my feelings of anger.  Then the other part stepped in again, the rational part, the part that actually knows truth, helping me to see a bigger picture and more importantly offering ways to engage with Eric that would be positive and loving to both of us.  Unfortunately the charm of the old habits won out and even as I tried to hold back and ask for space to be able to communicate more effectively, it literally felt like I could not resist going into the muck.  As I reflect on it now I see so clearly how this part of me really believes that if I can just make Eric see (or feel badly enough) then I will get my needs met.  But alas, this is never the case, and really only gets me further from receiving what I really desire.

So much slowing down it takes to feel myself enough in the moment to see this and follow through on the actions my higher consciousness guides me towards.  I keep hoping this way of blogging/tracking will also help.  I have lived like this for many years and the process of unweaving this web is one that feels incredibly daunting at times.  Still, I believe it is possible and for me that is the tree already realized in the seed.

Gratitude:  I am thankful for illumination that leads to transformation