Today was a good day (cue Ice Cube). The experience of harmony in our home is one I hope to never take for granted. Today I felt as close to "normal" as I have in some time. I didn't have anxiety and I felt consistently present in the moment. I was able to shower and blow dry my hair (!!!!), study for my upcoming exam, take a little nap with my boy, and organize some things I have been wanting to get to. I even got to hang out with three lovely women for dinner and enjoy easy conversation (even Kayam tried to join in :)
One moment of loving myself today was becoming aware of some negative self-talk and simply saying "no" and choosing different (compassionate) language. This is one of the things I desire to become more conscious of again. Years ago when I worked with Lyn to heal my life the self talk was one of the most important parts of my process. And I know from that experience how powerful doing this can be. I create my own suffering in the subtle ways I beat myself up. It's just so fucking old, in my lineage, as female, in the collective consciousness. I make it a joke, but its not funny. Loving myself means forgiving the part of me that has historically been my greatest abuser, while at the same time holding space for the part of me that dwells in the place of victimhood from the abuse. I am tired and ready to let go of this internal dynamic. Today, I didn't go into either of these places and was really lovely.
Gratitude: I am so grateful for days that pass with ease and joy...
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