FUUUUUUUCK!!!!

I have been an empath for as long as I can remember.  Years ago I began to engage less and less in consumption of "the news".  There is this sense in me that even without seeing or hearing the exact details, somehow this vessel just knows what is going on even if its not explicit.

I have taken time to examine this choice.  When I was at MUM and there was such a focus on being inward, I felt, particularly when working for the University, that I had to be a voice for balance in terms of awareness of the atrocities that were going on in the world.  Hear no evil, see no evil...it does not mean evil doesn't exist.  Then when I was at SWC I had an assignment where I was to engage with the news and respond to it from the perspective of my light figure (who just happened to be Jesus).  This was a pretty enlightening experience as well.

But then I dipped out again.  As embarrassing as it is to say it, I find out most things that are going on from my FB feed.  Still, I am selective.  Since having Kayam my sensitivity has increased exponentially.  I literally feel like I can barely tolerate being a witness to the suffering in the world, particularly when children are involved.  All I can see is my little boy that I want so badly to be happy, healthy, and free...and I want that so badly for every child, every human. 

Last night I decided to watch a video about the Syrian refugee crisis.  And there were parents desperately trying to be allowed into European countries and being declined, one man with a boy Kayam's age.   And I felt devastated for them.  I thought about how terrifying it would be to go through all one must go through to escape their country and then realize they must turn back.  It would be like a death sentence after being told you were going to be set free - oh and that your child must die too.  I became overwhelmed with grief and wanted to cry and yell "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK!!!!

And  then I felt sick and ashamed of myself for being so consumed with the shit I struggle with in my incredibly privileged life.   Earlier in the day, while I lay in my comfortable bed nursing Kayam, I had the thought "something could happen any moment and this would be over".  Like a plane could crash into my house and we would be gone.  Now I know the likelihood of that is not so great, and as I thought of this of course I thought of folks who are literally in this kind of survival mode at all times.  I can't even imagine, and yet I live in a place of fear so much of the time, as if my life is constantly being threatened.

In any case, you can imagine this brings up quite a bit of self-judgement for me.  And I have spent some of the day trying to reconcile that.  The therapist part of me says that in spite of my privilege my experience is still valid and should be treated with love and respect.  At least that is what I would whole heartedly say to a client.  But for now, I am struggling with it, and wondering if or how this greater awareness/perspective can play a role in integrating the shadow aspects of myself.  At the very least, I feel thankful for seeing a bigger picture, and for seeing that shame and self judgement do nothing for me or for the Syrian refugees.  In this moment, that feels important in terms of self love as an energy that flows out into the world creating some small waves of positivity.  It is the best I can hope for, that somehow, becoming a better human being, and evolving myself, will be to the benifit of other Beings everywhere without exception.

Gratitude: I give thanks that even as the worst of humanity is being demonstrated, the best of humanity is inspired to show up in ways to bring love and healing and haven - I am thankful to all the countries/individuals who are creating space for the care of the Syrian refugees.