I begin again

I was on a walk with my son yesterday morning, thinking about the areas of my life that I am struggling with.  It became clear that so much of my suffering and challenge is rooted in what I call "a lack of self love".  This really does seem to be the core/seed issue, that when watered by whatever circumstance in life that triggers this wound, grows out in thoughts and behaviors that do not serve me in any way.  In fact, they just serve to feed that wounding even more - more self loathing, more feelings of lack, of shame, of grief.

I wondered if I began to track my ability to show up for myself in a loving way, would I be able to create a real shift?  Would I see a real difference in my life, in how I react/respond to the situations and people in my life, and most importantly to my self?  And would sharing this intention experiment with others be helpful?  Could I allow myself to be that vulnerable?  To share what I have termed in the last year "the darkness"?  I don't really know what this is going to look like, but I know that I need to do it.  Already I have noticed that having the idea/concept present with me is already waking me up in powerful ways.

Like tonight, when I saw so clearly how loving myself would have shifted my experience.  I came home late from an appointment to a less than happy husband.  He was angry with me for various reasons, and although I had no intentions to do him harm I could feel the pull of his energy desiring me to dance the unhealthy dance we have become so familiar with.  Initially I stayed grounded and told myself to discern what was mine and what was not so that I could allow him his experience while holding my own space.  I found myself breaking down as unkindness kept being sent in my direction.  My defense was to then become angry with him.  My mind swirled with all the reasons he should not be upset with me and why I should actually be the one upset with him.  I returned his cold energy, thinking of ways to create more separation.

As I was putting my son to sleep later in the evening I laid in bed thinking "What would this look like if I was loving myself?" If I loved myself, I wouldn't have to feel this way.  I would accept that my husband's anger doesn't mean that I am "bad".  I would know that I am okay (and be able to give myself what I need to feel emotionally safe), and I would not feel compelled to defend myself by sending negative energy or words in his direction.  This provided me with some freedom.  I could, on some level, feel that loving existed in me already - otherwise how would I be able to see this Truth.  I was still feeling separation, but now could also feel the bigger picture - I could sense a healthy boundary.

So yea, I am not sure where this is going to go, but it feels right for now, whether I post every day or never again...