Every moment gives way to the next

Since Kayam's birth depression and anxiety have become familiar companions in my life again.  Its been especially difficult because I have worked so hard in the past to resolve these issues and yet here I am again.  Some days it feels like the darkness might swallow me up. It is so fucking visceral.  I feel like I am in an existential cyclone where my ability to sense the edges of reality create a feeling of unease that won't leave me.  In some ways, it feels worse than ever before.

This morning the sadness came rushing over me upon my first interaction with Eric - it wasn't the interaction.  But once it was there it felt like a vortex I was being sucked in to.  I went about my usual morning tasks.  Cleaning up, making breakfast, feeding myself and Kayam.  Kayam spit up a little (a rare occurrence) and the anxiety ramped up more.  I started feeling intense anxiety and this made the sadness grow.  The thoughts swirled in my mind as I went on my morning walk, feeling the knot in my throat threatening to bust open any moment into tears.  I feel such grief in these moments wondering why I am like this....

So as began to witness my thinking patterns I began to question where the loving could help me.  I began by breathing and shifting my posture.  I consciously felt my feet on the Earth.  I used part of the concept of the ritual I wrote about yesterday as I connected with the part of myself that feels so scared.  I asked her what she was afraid of and she told me.  I imagined holding her and offering her love and I could feel both of my selves in this process.  I listened to Eckhart Tolle a bit and laughed.  I thought of the things I have to be grateful for.  And when I got home I felt a little better.

The anxiety dissolved into the next phase of my day.  A good reminder for the future.  One of the things Eckhart Tolle was saying was that people are so afraid of the present moment because they feel that it will never end.  I think anxiety is so much this...depression too...there is such a fear that the discomfort will not move.  But it does.  I used to tell my clients, "When you feel happy enjoy it, cause it won't last.  When you feel sad, enjoy it, cause it won't last".  Every emotion, every state, every moment gives way to the next, and the next, and the next....

Gratitude:  I am thankful that every moment gives way to the next.