Standing in my Truth

I had a beautiful conversation with my friend Martha this afternoon.  She shared a story with me about standing in her Truth, and I was again reminded of how this incredible act of self love brings support of Nature in powerful ways.  As the saying goes, outer is a reflection of inner, and my experiences have certainly shown me that when I show up for myself (really show up for myself) then the reflection is often times beyond my greatest expectations.  When I was reflecting on our conversation later, I was drawn to share this story that took place during my pregnancy.

I was in the hospital for the second time in a three day period as I followed direction from the prior visit's doc and our midwife (I was 32 weeks pregnant). When I think of it now, I see that there were a lot of elements set up that day to present a situation that would make it incredibly important to honor myself.  At that point Eric and I had already been interacting with the medical world for a few months regarding my pregnancy and had learned the importance of taking our time, and asking a lot of questions.  Even still, decisions were made that I did not feel particularly congruent with (well mostly just one, and the pressure was so intense to go the route we chose). 

In any case, that day we were in the labor and delivery area, and a new doc comes in (its her first day at this particular hospital) and it is clear that she is especially careful.  After being there for a couple hours, without more cervix dilation from our last visit and unremarkable monitoring we were thinking we would be sent home again.  And then I had this crazy contraction.  My stomach got so hard, the doc came over to feel my belly and thought that my baby was breech (For my friends who know what a hypochondriac I am I am sure you all will appreciate that I was convinced an air bubble got in my IV and I was having a heart attack! lol...Fortunately I did ask the nurse about this who assured me that was not the case ;)  Anyways, the doc was obviously freaked out and called the perinatologists who told her to put me on magnesium sulfate and get me on an ambulance to Albuquerque.

I instantly became super anxious.  I knew about magnesium from my sister's experience with her first pregnancy, and the thought of being on was extremely upsetting.  I talked to the nurse and doctor about this multiple times - the nurse was a lot more open in terms of hearing me out, but the doc was super attached to the agenda given her by the perinates.  And so the pressure was on once again.

I was so caught in this typical pattern of listening to/pleasing someone of authority.  A part of me was afraid of offending them or maybe making the wrong decision.  I was a hot mess.  The whole situation was scary, and what I wanted most was for my baby to be safe.  But I felt so deeply that it was not the right call.  In my mind I knew once that intervention started there was no way to know what was really going on with my body, and I intuitively felt that I did not need it.  After talking Eric and us really getting on the same page, I finally told them I was refusing the magnesium, and would prefer to be assessed once we arrived in Albuquerque. 

In spite of the obvious trepidation on the doctors part in that moment I literally felt like I had been freed in some deep way.  After the initial anxiety I felt as we embarked on our trip south, the most profound joy and bliss came over me.  The whole ride to Albuquerque I couldn't stop smiling.  It was incredible.  Then we got into the elevator at the hospital and after a brief exchange with two women, they asked if they could pray with me! They laid their hands on me and we all prayed (even other people in the elevator closed their eyes!) And they were bringing Jesus in yall!!!!! And I LOVE Jesus!!! :)  I just knew it was another way Nature was telling me "YES!"

And of course it was a "yes", in every way.  After three days of monitoring me there was much more clarity about my situation and that rest, hydration, and patience were going to be the remedies to get us to full term.

I am forever grateful that I chose to stand in my Truth that day, and of course to Eric for supporting me 100%.  I know that there are ways this happens in my life that are not quite so flashy, but this experience is forever a powerful reminder of the shifts that happen in the Universe when we stand in our Truth.  We might not always be able to name them, but I am sure the impact goes far beyond our individual experience. As I was saying to Martha tonight, sometimes "No" is the most loving action we can take, and in this case it was so clearly the most powerful love I could have possible offered myself. 

Process addiction - addicted to the process

Co-dependence is a pretty horrible affliction if you ask me.  Created out of fear and longing and poor modeling from a culture of humans who don't know how to love themselves.  So many defensive dynamics its hard to keep track of them.  And so I didn't...keep track, that is.  After a couple of years of intensely looking at this part of my functionality as Tricia in the world, and even as a teacher to my clients about how all this shows up, somehow I lost touch with the ways it had begun to create separation in my life again.

This little project of mine is helping to illuminate it, and the remembering, although frustrating and painful (still this?!!!), is the only way I can find my way back to my true self.  Well, that and actually doing something about it, which is the harder part.

Take this morning for example.  I was upset with Eric for a couple of reasons.  In the three hours I had to think about my feelings before he woke up, I kept trying to inject some of this self love stuff, but found some part of me just wanting to cling to (and thereby exacerbate) my feelings of anger.  Then the other part stepped in again, the rational part, the part that actually knows truth, helping me to see a bigger picture and more importantly offering ways to engage with Eric that would be positive and loving to both of us.  Unfortunately the charm of the old habits won out and even as I tried to hold back and ask for space to be able to communicate more effectively, it literally felt like I could not resist going into the muck.  As I reflect on it now I see so clearly how this part of me really believes that if I can just make Eric see (or feel badly enough) then I will get my needs met.  But alas, this is never the case, and really only gets me further from receiving what I really desire.

So much slowing down it takes to feel myself enough in the moment to see this and follow through on the actions my higher consciousness guides me towards.  I keep hoping this way of blogging/tracking will also help.  I have lived like this for many years and the process of unweaving this web is one that feels incredibly daunting at times.  Still, I believe it is possible and for me that is the tree already realized in the seed.

Gratitude:  I am thankful for illumination that leads to transformation 

Good medicine :)

Well folks, its the one week countdown to my exam and so my posts will be pretty sparse this week.  I want to share about how triggered I got tonight by the difficulty in looking at just how intensely I abandon myself when it comes to the relational dynamics in my marriage (so freakin tired of it).  Or how my digestion has been extremely fucked up and I might have identified a culprit that I happen to be cookin up right now for a snack (addiction even effects those with so few food choices).  But instead I am just going to breathe let it all be what it is.  And I realize this in itself is a pretty courageous act of self love.  Don't need to beat myself up or stay in the darkness (cause I started slipping in earlier tonight).  I will however,  share a video I literally watched three times today and was seriously good medicine (I just love Ellen).  Oh and of course Gratitude that I passed all four simulations I did tonight for exam prep.

Enjoy :)

Where women gather...

After six very sweet weeks, the mama support group I have been attending ended tonight.  What a huge blessing this group has been for me.  Space for myself, space to listen to others, to feel truly seen through a shared connection - for such honesty! Wow.  Really. 

I am home late and after pumping and studying for a half hour I have to keep to my goal of early sleep.  So many thoughts stir in my mind to share, but for now I can only give thanks for the blessing of woman medicine in my life.  I have truly been a blessed Being to have consistently been surrounded by and lifted up by amazing woman - family, friends, sisters all of them...mothers...

There are no words to thank you for all you have given me.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you...And so it is. Amen.

Tired, Tired, Tired...

Even with getting a little more sleep these days I still feel exhausted all the time.  I put Kayam down at night and start studying for the exam that will provide me with my independent counseling license (one week from Thursday).  By the time I study my brain already feels like mush and when I let myself think too much about the actual test the anxiety starts rolling in.  In any case, I have to start using whatever hours I have for sleep to sleep and stop staying up.  Of course because of my ADD, its never just studying, but also blogging (most recently) and surfing the net.  And then I wake up in the morning hating myself and regretting my choices. 

So last night I went to sleep at 10 and tonight I am about to wrap this up and hit the hay at 9.  They say when you start to repair sleep debt you become even more tired for a spell and this is definitely my experience.  That and I am convinced my period is on its way for the first time since having Kayam.  Anyways, I had thoughts of better blogs today but none that my brain can recall.  Right now loving myself means going to sleep early.  Good night folks.

Gratitude:  I am thankful for the ability to sleep, and for a husband who has been really showing up to support me to get more.

FUUUUUUUCK!!!!

I have been an empath for as long as I can remember.  Years ago I began to engage less and less in consumption of "the news".  There is this sense in me that even without seeing or hearing the exact details, somehow this vessel just knows what is going on even if its not explicit.

I have taken time to examine this choice.  When I was at MUM and there was such a focus on being inward, I felt, particularly when working for the University, that I had to be a voice for balance in terms of awareness of the atrocities that were going on in the world.  Hear no evil, see no evil...it does not mean evil doesn't exist.  Then when I was at SWC I had an assignment where I was to engage with the news and respond to it from the perspective of my light figure (who just happened to be Jesus).  This was a pretty enlightening experience as well.

But then I dipped out again.  As embarrassing as it is to say it, I find out most things that are going on from my FB feed.  Still, I am selective.  Since having Kayam my sensitivity has increased exponentially.  I literally feel like I can barely tolerate being a witness to the suffering in the world, particularly when children are involved.  All I can see is my little boy that I want so badly to be happy, healthy, and free...and I want that so badly for every child, every human. 

Last night I decided to watch a video about the Syrian refugee crisis.  And there were parents desperately trying to be allowed into European countries and being declined, one man with a boy Kayam's age.   And I felt devastated for them.  I thought about how terrifying it would be to go through all one must go through to escape their country and then realize they must turn back.  It would be like a death sentence after being told you were going to be set free - oh and that your child must die too.  I became overwhelmed with grief and wanted to cry and yell "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK!!!!

And  then I felt sick and ashamed of myself for being so consumed with the shit I struggle with in my incredibly privileged life.   Earlier in the day, while I lay in my comfortable bed nursing Kayam, I had the thought "something could happen any moment and this would be over".  Like a plane could crash into my house and we would be gone.  Now I know the likelihood of that is not so great, and as I thought of this of course I thought of folks who are literally in this kind of survival mode at all times.  I can't even imagine, and yet I live in a place of fear so much of the time, as if my life is constantly being threatened.

In any case, you can imagine this brings up quite a bit of self-judgement for me.  And I have spent some of the day trying to reconcile that.  The therapist part of me says that in spite of my privilege my experience is still valid and should be treated with love and respect.  At least that is what I would whole heartedly say to a client.  But for now, I am struggling with it, and wondering if or how this greater awareness/perspective can play a role in integrating the shadow aspects of myself.  At the very least, I feel thankful for seeing a bigger picture, and for seeing that shame and self judgement do nothing for me or for the Syrian refugees.  In this moment, that feels important in terms of self love as an energy that flows out into the world creating some small waves of positivity.  It is the best I can hope for, that somehow, becoming a better human being, and evolving myself, will be to the benifit of other Beings everywhere without exception.

Gratitude: I give thanks that even as the worst of humanity is being demonstrated, the best of humanity is inspired to show up in ways to bring love and healing and haven - I am thankful to all the countries/individuals who are creating space for the care of the Syrian refugees.

A good day...

Today was a good day (cue Ice Cube).  The experience of harmony in our home is one I hope to never take for granted.  Today I felt as close to "normal" as I have in some time.  I didn't have anxiety and I felt consistently present in the moment.  I was able to shower and blow dry my hair (!!!!), study for my upcoming exam, take a little nap with my boy, and organize some things I have been wanting to get to. I even got to hang out with three lovely women for dinner and enjoy easy conversation (even Kayam tried to join in :)

One moment of loving myself today was becoming aware of some negative self-talk and simply saying "no" and choosing different (compassionate) language.  This is one of the things I desire to become more conscious of again.  Years ago when I worked with Lyn to heal my life the self talk was one of the most important parts of my process.  And I know from that experience how powerful doing this can be.   I create my own suffering in the subtle ways I beat myself up.  It's just so fucking old, in my lineage, as female, in the collective consciousness.  I make it a joke, but its not funny.  Loving myself means forgiving the part of me that has historically been my greatest abuser, while at the same time holding space for the part of me that dwells in the place of victimhood from the abuse.  I am tired and ready to let go of this internal dynamic.  Today, I didn't go into either of these places and was really lovely. 

Gratitude:  I am so grateful for days that pass with ease and joy...

Every moment gives way to the next

Since Kayam's birth depression and anxiety have become familiar companions in my life again.  Its been especially difficult because I have worked so hard in the past to resolve these issues and yet here I am again.  Some days it feels like the darkness might swallow me up. It is so fucking visceral.  I feel like I am in an existential cyclone where my ability to sense the edges of reality create a feeling of unease that won't leave me.  In some ways, it feels worse than ever before.

This morning the sadness came rushing over me upon my first interaction with Eric - it wasn't the interaction.  But once it was there it felt like a vortex I was being sucked in to.  I went about my usual morning tasks.  Cleaning up, making breakfast, feeding myself and Kayam.  Kayam spit up a little (a rare occurrence) and the anxiety ramped up more.  I started feeling intense anxiety and this made the sadness grow.  The thoughts swirled in my mind as I went on my morning walk, feeling the knot in my throat threatening to bust open any moment into tears.  I feel such grief in these moments wondering why I am like this....

So as began to witness my thinking patterns I began to question where the loving could help me.  I began by breathing and shifting my posture.  I consciously felt my feet on the Earth.  I used part of the concept of the ritual I wrote about yesterday as I connected with the part of myself that feels so scared.  I asked her what she was afraid of and she told me.  I imagined holding her and offering her love and I could feel both of my selves in this process.  I listened to Eckhart Tolle a bit and laughed.  I thought of the things I have to be grateful for.  And when I got home I felt a little better.

The anxiety dissolved into the next phase of my day.  A good reminder for the future.  One of the things Eckhart Tolle was saying was that people are so afraid of the present moment because they feel that it will never end.  I think anxiety is so much this...depression too...there is such a fear that the discomfort will not move.  But it does.  I used to tell my clients, "When you feel happy enjoy it, cause it won't last.  When you feel sad, enjoy it, cause it won't last".  Every emotion, every state, every moment gives way to the next, and the next, and the next....

Gratitude:  I am thankful that every moment gives way to the next.

Gyhldeptis

So the same day that I thought of bringing my thoughts forward on this blog I went to my mama support group.  I brought one of my favorite decks "The Goddess Oracle" to share with the group.  These cards came to me in such a beautiful way, through my dear friend Ashleigh, who was introduced to them through a client of hers.  It was fitting that they would become a powerful tool that I used with my own clients in inpatient treatment.  My experiences with them have felt incredibly supportive, and on that evening it was no different. 

The card I chose was the goddess Gyhldeptis - representing sythesis. 

"Gyhldeptis glides into your life to tell you the way to wholeness for you now lies in synthesis.  It is time to bring all the divergent parts, all the opposing pieces, together nto on whole you.  At this time in your life you may be engaged in conflict or opposition.  Now you must resolve it and create union.  Perhaps you are dissipating your energy, your life force, in too many directions or have hundresds of irons in the fire.  This is the time to find the common thread that will serve your needs in the best way.  Gyhldeptis says that by learning to listen to all the different pieces, all the different parts of you, you can hear and give what is needed to create wholeness.  Wholeness is created when all the different parts are honored and listened to, when all the parts are brought together and synthesized into a whole.  The greatest gifts to the whole often lie in the most disparate pieces."

The ritual suggestion is an internal experience of meeting at a feast table with Gyhldeptis and inviting all the parts of yourself to eat.  The process allows each piece to ask for what it needs, receive, eat, accept and integrate whatever it is, until all have done so.  Then all coming forward to embrace you and become you, filling you with vitality, energy and centeredness.  And bringing the ceremony to completion with gratitude to all of your pieces and Gyhldeptis.

Pretty fitting wouldn't you say?  It made me think of psychosynthesis, a theoretical framework I deeply resonate with.  It is such a good reminder as I embark on this conscious journey.  I struggle to love the parts that I judge as dark, weak or ugly.  Even though when I really look at those parts I am aware that they just want the best for me too, they just got misguided along the way.  They believe that needs can only be met through manipulation. 

When I am loving myself I am able to be clear with myself and those around me.  I can see the parts that believe differently and honor their presence while still choosing to be congruent. I can even offer them love.  This is the only way to integrate them and experience wholeness...

I begin again

I was on a walk with my son yesterday morning, thinking about the areas of my life that I am struggling with.  It became clear that so much of my suffering and challenge is rooted in what I call "a lack of self love".  This really does seem to be the core/seed issue, that when watered by whatever circumstance in life that triggers this wound, grows out in thoughts and behaviors that do not serve me in any way.  In fact, they just serve to feed that wounding even more - more self loathing, more feelings of lack, of shame, of grief.

I wondered if I began to track my ability to show up for myself in a loving way, would I be able to create a real shift?  Would I see a real difference in my life, in how I react/respond to the situations and people in my life, and most importantly to my self?  And would sharing this intention experiment with others be helpful?  Could I allow myself to be that vulnerable?  To share what I have termed in the last year "the darkness"?  I don't really know what this is going to look like, but I know that I need to do it.  Already I have noticed that having the idea/concept present with me is already waking me up in powerful ways.

Like tonight, when I saw so clearly how loving myself would have shifted my experience.  I came home late from an appointment to a less than happy husband.  He was angry with me for various reasons, and although I had no intentions to do him harm I could feel the pull of his energy desiring me to dance the unhealthy dance we have become so familiar with.  Initially I stayed grounded and told myself to discern what was mine and what was not so that I could allow him his experience while holding my own space.  I found myself breaking down as unkindness kept being sent in my direction.  My defense was to then become angry with him.  My mind swirled with all the reasons he should not be upset with me and why I should actually be the one upset with him.  I returned his cold energy, thinking of ways to create more separation.

As I was putting my son to sleep later in the evening I laid in bed thinking "What would this look like if I was loving myself?" If I loved myself, I wouldn't have to feel this way.  I would accept that my husband's anger doesn't mean that I am "bad".  I would know that I am okay (and be able to give myself what I need to feel emotionally safe), and I would not feel compelled to defend myself by sending negative energy or words in his direction.  This provided me with some freedom.  I could, on some level, feel that loving existed in me already - otherwise how would I be able to see this Truth.  I was still feeling separation, but now could also feel the bigger picture - I could sense a healthy boundary.

So yea, I am not sure where this is going to go, but it feels right for now, whether I post every day or never again...